12 May 2010

PRINCE TOP NUITRITIONAL REVIEW: The Caveman Diet and its Dangers

Prince recommends with caution the above book (top): The Paleo Diet for Athletes by a great triathlon coaching legend, but a coach who more recently has become a dangerous lunatic cannibal. His name is Joe Friel.

The Paleo Diet is a nutritional plan based on the ancient diet of wild plants and meats that various dogs and their cavemen habitually mauled and devoured during the brutal Paleolithic—a cannibalistic fleshy period characterized by poodle supremacy of about 2.5 million years duration that ended around 10,000 years ago with the development of agriculture and the invention of the dog leash. Prince`s hypothosis is that Friel’s (a triathlon coach`s) anthropological over study of this period made him overly ravenous for red meat and later insane.

However Friel, in the early part of his book is able to explain beautifully and succinctly how such original man/dog foods (pre agriculture and animal domestication) help athletic performance. Unfortunately, then the book meanders on unnecessarily, distorted by Friel`s possible dependence on beef jerkie and months living in a gooseberry bush, through 370 pages of nonsense: on topics such as cavedog family values, that man descended from gowa fruit, and why Hello Kitty and friends need to be ethnically cleansed from America. By the end of the book, Friel has become unstable, rabid and unstoppable as he advocates an irrevocable modern and violent return to Amazonian style cannibalism as described in his favorite 1980 film Cannibal Holocaust (right). Friel at an unknown location (above left)

Prince therefore summarizes the diet’s key points succinctly together with his views. Thanks to Prince there will be no need for anyone to ever risk their sanity and family`s safety by buying or reading this disturbing, but at times brilliant work. Prince`s unabridged summary on Friel’s nutritional advice for athletes less his savagery and witchcraft is below:

1. Eat as much lean meat (pref. fish and chicken) as you wish for protein. Picture right is a famous Paleolithic woman (Princess Mononoke) riding white poodle while hunting forest baby meat.

2. Eat no bread, no pasta and no bad carbs generally

3. Instead of bad carbs, enjoy vegetables, fruit, roots, and nuts for carbohydrate intake, and eat as much as you wish.

4. Dedicate your life to excluding all grains, legumes, dairy products, salt, refined sugar, and processed oils (no exceptions)

5. Prince’s modification of Friel's diet is red wine consumption. Prince’s anthropological research has clearly identified red wine on cave wall drawings as drawn by cavemen who clearly drank red wine and probably a bottle a day.

6. The result for Prince and his athletes is weight loss, muscle gain, instant recovery from workouts, ability to train up to 15 hours a week without breakdown, crushing performances over rivals, an inability to stop boasting, and magical red wine induced race visualization and imagery.

For those who do wish to read book in full, please be warned. Prince like Friel has developed a sudden desire for fresh red meat without care for those living beings in close vicinity. Only last evening CP was awoken to find the great poodle gnawing flesh from his open cycle wound.

On a pleasant final note, Paleo dishes are also delicious. Picture above is Prince together with celeb Chef Gordon Ramsey donning a Cordon Bleu apron and preparing a caveman compliant Filet Mignon salad; one to be washed down by a superb Lafitte Bordeaux '97.

1 comment:

  1. Excellent post. Looking forward to my Lafitte Bordeaux with a hunk of cow and a nutty salad tonight.